Loneliness – the crisis of our age

It doesn’t take a genius to recognise that we live in a society characterised by fragmentation, loneliness, and loss of community. The loneliest segment of our society is no longer the elderly (though it’s still very real there too). It’s actually the 16-24 year age group – more than half feel lonely, according to one poll.[1] Concern runs right through to government, which in 2018 established a Minister for Loneliness.

And it’s not just the UK. Throughout the Western world, the trends have been moving in the same direction. Some news reports in Japan speak of elderly women who shoplift just so they can spend the night in the cells rather than staying lonely at home! The pandemic didn’t help, as across the world millions were cut off from others for long periods.

Why relationships are crucial

All of this points in a back-handed way to the vital importance of relationships for human flourishing (and that we’re not doing well in them). In every study on wellbeing, the number one factor enabling happiness and wellness is relationships – by a mile. The eminent psychologist Ed Diener put it this way:

“The links (between happiness and relationships) are so strong that many psychologists think that humans are genetically wired to need each other.”

One large and famous study, the Alameda County Study, tracked the lives of 7,000 people over nine years. It found that the most isolated people were three times more likely to die than those with strong relational connections. One conclusion was that if you belong to no groups but decide to join one, you cut your risk of dying over the next year in half!

How Can We Build Stronger Relationships?

If relationships are so important, how do we grow them? Here are some possible ways forward:

  1. Start with yourself. Healthy relationships develop when two reasonably secure individuals connect in ways that build up, rather than demolishing. Of course, we all bring our own emotional baggage into every new relationship, and there are always hidden issues and past hurts that impact our present attitudes and behaviours. Yet we can find healing and resolution through personal reflection, empathic support, and, where appropriate, professional help. You can read more about this in my book, Lasting Happiness, chapter 6.
  2. Be more others-focused. We live in a very individualistic, “me-centred” culture. This can be very destructive to relationships. It turns out, again from wellbeing research, that focussing on other people brings much more health and satisfaction than thinking about ourselves constantly. A good example of this is volunteering.
  3. Develop and practice your listening skills. It’s amazing how little we listen to others. Most of the time, in conversations, we’re just waiting for the opportunity to come back with our own views and opinions. Active listening is rare and involves concentrating carefully on what the other person is saying and responding thoughtfully to what they have said. Empathic listening is even less common, for it involves seeking to stand in the other person’s shoes, feeling as they feel.
  4. Join a community group. We are designed to function best in social groups, and our lack of involvement is the cause of much loneliness and alienation. GPs now include “social prescriptions” in their treatment of many disorders. This consists of regular participation in local community groups, such as walking or other communal exercising. The evidence of its benefit is stark. One GP practice in Frome, Somerset, trained community connectors to guide patients into local activities. The results were convincing: emergency hospital admissions were cut in the area by 17%.

What Steps Will You Take?

There are many ways to nurture our relationships, and we’ll explore more in future discussions. But for now, it’s worth asking yourself a question: How am I doing in my relationships, and what could I do to cultivate them?

Footnotes

[1] More than one in three Britons feel lonely – rising to more than half of those aged 18-24. Ipsos .
[2] Lasting Happiness, Darton Longman and Todd, 2018. Available on Amazon, also as an audiobook.